cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
Randomize
