Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
Randomize
