____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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