just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
I queefed so loud it echoed.
i don't even want to say how many boners i've caused this week
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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