Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Randomize
