Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
All I remember is drinking vodka out of tupperware.
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
Yes dating, but it seems easier to just live in a perpetual state of Netflix, internet porn, and cheese.
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
