Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
That's cool how's he been?
He got hit in the face with a beer bottle so he has two black eyes and 13 stitches.. He hasnt changed much.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
I didn't want him to hear me sneaking in. The doggie door was the perfect solution.
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
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