if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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