apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
THC water in my coffee on the way to work. How's your Tuesday?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
You know what's even more awkward then buying plan b from someone who is a member at the gym you work at... When they come in after that day and have that look of recognition
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
She was riding a razor scooter down the street wearing nothing but a feather boa it was beautiful.
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