I never want to see another naked old woman again.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I'm supposed to be maturing, but no instead I'll be shitting my pants in Delaware for my 30th.
Hahahaha nah you won't shit your pants - but you will fully try mushrooms.
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
He ate me out while I was wearing a canada goose parka and a dress hand crafted by a seamstress from yellowknife. I came while watching the northern lights. Most arctic orgasm ever.
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