sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
my dad is now demonstrating how to start a fire with a tampon. happy fucking new year!
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
My vagina was just really confused why you weren't inside it
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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