so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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