DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
I think we should bring back the casual nipple tassel
There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
My vagina is very pro this idea
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