This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
...if you're living vicariously thought me, that was a great blow job you just gave in the B&N parking lot.
Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
Randomize
