I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
Randomize
