in pain and im wearing pink underwear
so?
i dont own pink underwear
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
