Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
You pole danced in your parka.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Randomize
