five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
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