That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
She's running around the streets punching people and narrating. I don't know whether to laugh or stop her
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Randomize