Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Apparently I'm short enough to sit on his lap and fuck him while he is driving because the cop didn't notice.
What kind of present accurately says to my male suitemate "I'm sorry that I accidentally flashed you my vagina while I was super drunk"?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
That was the first time ive ever slept with a girl with a q in her name
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