why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
