I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
Randomize
