Is it wrong of me that I wish I could be a midget for a day so I can give head standing up?
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
