yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
