God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
Randomize