Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
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