Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I'm at the point where I'm more upset that he got to keep my bottle of Fireball than that he stopped talking to me with no explanation
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
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