Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize