i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Randomize
