When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
The resort was totally empty, just June and I. Which of course lead to EXCESSIVE day drinking and outdoor fucking. FYI Dominicans LOVE to watch.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
Oh god it's open bar.
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
