everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
Were you drinking last night?
Because typically I don't associate the phrase 'Go sleepy time' with sobriety.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
Randomize
