remind me tomorrow that nothing happen between me and the guy who's shirt i'm wearing
My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
when i'm not drinking i'm making facebook events about drinking
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
you had me at cake vodka
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
As soon as we had sex he stopped opening doors for me. That wasn't an exchange. Im still a god damn princess
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
Randomize
