Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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