I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
I'm topless, wearing a fur coat, stink of sex, and eating dim sum. 2015 is off to a great start.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
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