I spilled a beer on myself, so I went back to my place to change. The city marshall was at my door with a warrant. That beer cost me 760 bucks.
I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
