Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
All I remember is being in the middle of the road puking and my bestfriend cheering me on from the passenger seat...
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