If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
I mean, I Just Had Sex in 4 on her top 25 most played list. That's got to give you some indication
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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