Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
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