Just think, the more you drink, the more options you'll have of people you want to hook up with.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
Randomize
