i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
Randomize
