I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
I'm looking for mother nature. And when I find her, I'm looking her right in the eyes and telling her to fuck off.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
Randomize