They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
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