I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
MRIs the morning after St. Patty's Day was a poor choice.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Randomize
