I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
literally. a puddle of blood. on the floor. still searching for the source
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
