I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Randomize
