having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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