Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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