so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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