Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
Randomize
