he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
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