VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Our entire day shift is on either molly or acid. I'm about to take two hits of the latter.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
I know you won't see this for awhile, but I had to tell somebody, and you're like the only person who won't judge me for having an accidental erotic encounter with General Tso's chicken.
Randomize
