Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
After some trial and error I found soaking my balls in maple syurip helps ease the pain.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
Randomize
