I have a pretty basic diameter of my vaginal abyss. I'm sure it won't hurt.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
