I can tuck mytits in my pants
so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
Shotgunning beers in the shower. Mom would be proud.
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
