my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
We left the bar and you kept yelling "ONWARD SCION, TO GLORY!!"
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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