He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
he told me my hair look so beautiful and as he was stroking it his fingers got caught in my BUMPIT. How are you supposed to explain that one?
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
