can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
On the upside, no one went to the hospital! Lex's friend was definitely on fire at one point last night though because he tried to juggle tiki torches. He was shirtless this morning and smelled like a BBQ.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
