Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
Based on his face I'm positive he has a beautiful penis.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
