Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
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