4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
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